Sorry, friends, for being away for so long. My father’s illness — something that had previously hampered his quality of life but had not been life-threatening — worsened in March and April and we lost him on May 11th. I wrote about it in exhausting detail over on the family blog, so feel free to click and read, but certainly don’t feel as though you have to. It was something I needed to get down in writing because, as painful and heart-breaking as it was, I wanted to remember it.
I won’t write much about it here, because I prefer to try and keep things upbeat and vintage-oriented, but I will say this: losing a parent was nothing like I expected it to be. At the end, he was very, very sick, and in a lot of pain and misery, and I thought it would be a relief to see him finally free from that but I would do anything to have him back, even for a day, even if it meant watching him suffer. It is a selfishness born of sorrow, longing, and missing someone so much that you kind of stop breathing, for long seconds, when you are hit with the reality of it again and again. I also thought that, as a 46-year-old adult with children of my own, I did not need him anymore as a parent, but as soon as he was gone I realized how wrong I was. Apparently, we always need our parents, and when we lose one, the affect is a feeling similar to but ten million times more disturbing than the worst nightmare you had a as a child — the kind of dream where you found yourself lost, in an unfamiliar store, with nothing but strange faces around you and you realize your parents have left you and you won’t ever, ever, ever see them again.
It has been a little over a month and I still cry daily. Everything I see, hear, touch, and smell reminds me of him in a way that is completely unexpected — my front lawn, a particularly colorful bird, hearing “The Sound of Music” on the radio, sublimely ridiculous political news, a hat he gave the children, a funny sound my car is making, an article about a new USPS stamp being released, a memory from childhood I can’t quite get right that only he would remember the details of. A million times a day, his absence is felt, and I am reminded of what I have lost. I assume that that side effect will fade, with time, and I am looking forward to it.
I am working on some posts that are much more appropriate than this one for the blog. I have the Junk Ranch to write about, along with some fun finds, and I will slowly get back into the habit of writing, I promise. I hope all is well with you guys. I have missed writing to you.
Talk to you soon.